• Sharon Pearson

#PERSPECTIVES EPISODE 2 | Life's Good So Why Am I Not Happy?

















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SHOW SUMMARY

Our external happiness isn't always how we truly feel behind closed doors. Join Sharon as she recounts her raw and real personal-development journey. She takes you back to the beginning and how she went from feeling stuck, hollow and useless to creating a life where she felt fulfilled, emotionally stronger, and internally successful.



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FULL TRANSCRIPT

Elysium “Glam” Nyguen: Are we on? All right let's do this


Sharon Pearson: Important topic.


G: Hello SP, it’s so wonderful to have you back


SP: Thank you.


G: We're live again on the SP Perspectives podcast.


SP: We are


G: And we’re back for episode number two.


SP: Yes after some amazing comments


G: Some really incredible feedback and comments out.


SP: Very encouraging.


G: Yes being reading through it the other day because one of the questions we ask everyone was if it's OK. We go deep and is it OK if we go too far and is it OK. We explore some ideas that are different and diverse and welcoming different perspectives.


SP: I was speaking with a friend today who listened. Or watched and they said. She shared. You had vulnerability and strengths at the same time. And. That's who I am off as well as on yes. And I did and I find that a challenge and to be. That. With a camera like I'm uncomfortable saying that. But. It is so much easier just to be strong on camera. Lately I've gotten together and just be strong and just be capable and have the answers. That is a much well-trodden path for people. And I get it. I really do. But I kind of made a commitment to myself as I was speaking with ICE picked Boston about this a lot that if I'm going to do it it's got to. It's got to be truthful. It really has. And I was only saying tonight to my friend who we look like and how we present on the outside and whatever success looks like to others on the outside. Unless that's matched on the inside.


G: Yes.


SP: I don't feel quite authentic him you about that word. But also talking about where those two things a line doesn't happen enough.


G: Yeah.


SP: So I don't mind talking about that. I'm building up to that. I got going. I haven't even had a drink and I'm. Going to ease into. Let's talk about where the eternal wine is a wine necessarily and what am I doing about that and why does that matter? Because for a lot of years it didn't matter that my insides didn't match my outsides as a man I'm no good at making money. I'm. I'm good I've got money in the bank I've got a flash car when I check the boxes on the outside. I didn't I didn't even know how to go inside.


G: Yeah.


SP: And that's in my book obviously. So look at you. You've edited it like 12 times


G: and I think that's such an important message of the book and I think it's why it's getting the making the impact that it's making. Because I think some people would have felt the way that you felt or another had a far away at a community never had a space where they could open up about that.


SP: Yeah. And also hear that other people are the same.


G: Yeah I know they're not alone and they're not.


SP: Not only in the not alone but the journey. You know I'm here and sitting with you right now saying the journey is tough. It's not a weekend intensive I can't Ra my way to this type of success.


G: Yeah.


SP: I can't peak state my way. Because up on the weekends done and I'm all for that kind of weekend you know. But when the weekends down I'm going to go back to living.


G: Yeah.


SP: And if I go back into the same environment with the same people. And I don't know what to do about that I'm going to start experiencing the same stuff I experienced prior to the weekend. And that causes a lot of despondent. So what do you do about that? So it's. Yes we're not alone. We've all got this journey going on whether we are aware of it or not whether we're conscious to it or not whether we're running on automatic or not but knowing what to do with that okay great. And go with it. Now what do I do? That's the conversation that. I'm building the courage to have.


G: Yeah. It's such an important conversation. And one of the things is on the most common themes or arising so are the comments and questions that we're asking because we asked you know what would people love to hear more about? And it's a lot more of that conversation


SP: really?


G: It's more of that space of you know.


SP: Great.


G: You know I know we've heard this on these messages before but what do I do about that?


SP: And I'm so glad I'm not the only freak in the room. You know what I mean, I’m like this I'm writing it. I know is trog that it's writing in the shadows writing my book alone not really knowing how that's being perceived and it's really important to hear. Yes that's there's others who feel that way because writing such a lonely rewarding like it's really I can love it.I wouldn't have it any other way. Like you know me I guess it's helped me learn. What was it like 12 hours writing, did you go public with your ideas?


G:Oh my God.


SP: Okay. It's now out there isn't it.


G: Yeah.


SP: Like here's my art, now comment


G: And I want to say thank you.


SP: Well you're awesome.


G: For the amount of vulnerability you put in that book.


SP: I appreciate that out there and thank you and I thank you for editing 12 times.


G: We did a really good.


SP: We did. Well it's very validating that this the conversation people want to have.


G: Yeah.


SP: What else do people want to hear about?


G: Well I think because in the natural next question that we will get a lot of e-mail you know that was Well how did you do that?


SP: Ok.


G: How did you come to something credible messages and themes you share in the book?


SP: Yes.


G: And almost a step before that will how did all this start for you?\


SP: Why did I?


G: Why did it start?


SP: It's such a great question. Is one question but why did I ever decide not to stay on automatic?


G: Yes


SP: There’s a lot of comfort in TV every night and not thinking and yeah having the same conversations over and over with people in your life who are near and dear and never challenging was is the highest quality conversation is the highest quality moment and then the hard work in doing something about that because you challenging the status quo?


G: Yes.


SP: I want the things I say in my book is. You know you're probably on track when people around you are kind of bugged you pissed off some people you're probably on you and I know. Please don't anyone hear that facetiously That means you don't aim to bug anyone I'm not saying


G: Yeah


SP: but me looking to differentiate myself and question how much is automatic how much is conscious where the patents are. But everyone's really content with that conversation. There are people in my life who just like. They do just one quiet life TV and don't challenge the status quo. So it's uphill downhill some my scheme.


G: Yeah


SP: and some of it's like you. Do stand your crampons into the ground scraping against the ice thinking where the top of the hill it’s that is all the time and it can be both at the same time?


G: Yeah.


SP: Because it's very energising to scenes insights into how awake I can be. As somebody in my life is like why I dig in this conversation. Or really that's how you see it. And then I'm like Oh yeah I am. And I don't know if it's right. I don't know if it's taking in the right direction but I wanna stay awake to this because there could be something to it and I'm okay. It's gonna be misplace later but for now unless we ask the bad ideas we're gonna get to the good ones. So if there's all of that going on at the same time.


G: So how did you find the courage to do that?


SP: Courage is a huge assumption a gift. Let's say desperation.


G: Yes.


SP: So… This…I don't know when I can say the journey started because from pretty young I wanted to be conscious knew there was a potential for I didn't get it - got told by people when I was reading the books back then and it was very not nearly sophisticated message today. You can't even picture like really. I'm not even going to do it don't even look at it when I in my day I… shut it. Back in my day it was literally five books on a bookshelf, back in my day you had to go to a bookstore and there was books


G: You can’t just open your phone? Get the audible.


SP: Exactly. And they were based in science at all. And they didn't. I couldn't pick from them the message of how to have in the journey. And that's to say it wasn't there.


G: Yeah


SP: But I knew very early on that there was something. I didn't believe in affirmations I never have. I still don't know. A thousand ways in different ways I'm getting better and better. I felt like the first day I read that I just felt such hollowness cos I'm saying it. I must say feeling like a liar. But there wasn't any science around this. And if there was I couldn't find it. So I kind of knew there was something there. But when I looked inside it was really dark and very scary and encouraging. And I don't think I'm alone with that. I think it's a lot of people who. Okay.


G: Yeah.


SP: Look within for the answers the answers within. That's great. Where I'm looking and I don't like what I'm finding because those answers suck? That was a very familiar theme for me.


G: Yeah I remember reading that you did.


SP: Yeah.


G: In the opening chapter. And thinking that is so true.


SP: Yeah


G: That is so true.


SP: If I look inside. And I don't like what I find. Why would I look for the answer?


G: What do I do now?


SP: What do I do? So it's much easier to keep the focus outside so I did that I really focused on the outside and I did it and really unresourceful ways and I did it really resourceful ways. So going back I won't even talk the number of years because we're literally pre probably your birth so I don't think. That it would be that long ago it was comparison to others so I didn't I had to look within. So it's a very lonely time of comparing myself to other people and finding myself wanting and not liking myself more and more because if I don't compare myself to where it's obvious I'm not improving. But I know that so I can't compare myself to other people and seeing other people having a great life. Why thank you Why is that. It's just the uselessness of why is that happening with me and what's wrong with me and I can run that record? It's just that the path to pain is paved with that. So I did that for a while. And that made me really bitter and lonely and isolated and sad and defeated. So I got really deprived say the word depression would be accurate. I had thoughts of suicide I had thoughts I had thoughts of. What's the point? I keep living this way and I don't know how to live any other way. I don't see any point. I didn't get how to be different and my gosh there are ways to be different but I didn't know that.


G: Yeah


SP: So what was the point? Why keep going when this isn't giving me joy? It didn't give me joy your state didn't give me joy 10 years ago. I'm not doing this for another 10 years but soon alternative and I'm the first. So I wasn't looking in the right places for the alternative but I didn't know that was a good place to look. There were right places to look I did not know that. So I was just in this loop of my own. Self perpetuating pain that I could justify and I could defend and I could explain and I could point out how it wasn't me and I could do all of that. I had such an eloquence because I know I'm articulate. Well I had the same level of being articulate I could talk good. Back then yes and I around to a problem.


G: Yeah.


SP: So I could justify and defend and articulate why it wasn't working that didn't involve me changing because I didn't have any language for me changing and I didn't know what me changing could entail or what that would look like or Yeah. So I just decided this was the way it was. I had a lot of illnesses.


G: Yeah


SP: I was getting very badly diagnosed at the time and I was getting diagnosed with stuff that meant radical medical treatments that just weren't and Joe with me and we're going to make me worse because those suppressing symptoms not dealing with the cause and I could tell it was all out of a line alignment with having any type of great life. I just didn't know how to get off the train. It was moving too fast. I was too committed and a lot of luggage this nice train was loaded up with. So many carts behind it was just dragging my luggage there my past and my story so I didn't have slowed down the train to know to get off the train and didn't because it was bending like me you've been embedded in my story and when I was attached to and what I was connected to and what I thought was true? Exhaustion.


G: Yeah.


SP: And then it wasn't courage as much as. I don't know what the word for was all that. I'll let you decide I'll let the listeners swipe it became a moment where I just dug myself into such a ditch that. I didn't know how to get out. Like I wish you stood in the room I've told this story before. I stood in a room of my beautiful home and Happily married Ticking boxes on the outside and I was so miserable. I couldn't move. I literally couldn't. I stood there for an hour because I've done the housework. There was nothing left to do to keep me busy and distracted from being miserable. That was done. I had another book rejected by another 40 or 50 publishers so I just had to start another book. There was literally there was I have no idea if I go that way. There's no point if I go this way I'll be defended defeated if I go that way I'll be judged. And if I go this way I'll be mocked and that's all in my head. No that's necessarily happening but that's how it was to me. So. I stood there and I thought I I don't know how to move right next I have no idea what movement would cause me to do and I can't keep doing more of the useless. I just received the word. As panting useless anymore. I just won't do another moment of useless but no idea what to do instead.


G: Yeah. Thank you so much for showing up this is amazing. I'm sure there'll be some people who could relate? Yeah I do ways too that they too have the strength to. for you to share is wonderful.


SP: Thank you.


G: Such a gift.


SP: Everyone's good. Everyone knows stuff going on no one's got it made. Everyone's getting hooked up and tangled up in some of their own mess from the past or whatever and to ignore it or pretend it's not happening. And it also I think. So I stood there. And it occurred to me. There are people in the world who were living amazing lives who had much worse backgrounds than I did? True trauma. And they're getting on with it and really it's amazing life and I know why they hadn't occurred to me 10 years 20 years before that it occurred to me then and that's what happened. It And Then I thought well how. How the f are they doing that? When I kind of even moved from the back of this chair I'm just stuck standing here? They're leading these lives and inspiring people and triumphing over their pain every single day. They're resetting and moving forward. How? When I can't even go to the kitchen to make a cup of tea they're doing this? And then I asked myself not really. How? So. That's not courage. That was just one decent question amongst a gloom of miserable questions Like I could nail. I could go for hours on the gloom and I was on the doom and what was wrong? But.

I just said one word. How?

How are they doing that? Like really. How? Are they doing that? How are they managing to triumph? When everything would suggest that. Can't be possible if a fraction of my upbringing. Maybe just be Possible.


G: Yeah.


SP: I think it was possible but if they were to fire my Bullshit beliefs out there. What is that about? I think that's where a lot of turn people down comes from. Because if someone is going to shine. And try out.


G: Yeah

SP: It's kind of hard to defend my own status quo and hurt people hurt people so you know someone's going to shine. If I could take a swing at them and maybe prove to myself they ain't all that. I'm going to be okay just saying stuff.


G: Yeah.


SP: Hey, I didn't do that. I had done that but I didn't do that. I don't think I've done it again since then. I may have privately. Are probably having conversations probably had bitter resentful moments so you know to take someone down from being awesome but finding a flaw I can find satisfaction that even today? But that was my art form back then. And that moment I committed. No more than knocking. No more looking for the floor. No it's there. We've all got them.


G: Yeah.


SP: Now just answer the question you spent 37 years answering the question how miserable can I make myself. Didn't know I was doing that. I would dedicate the next 37 years. Answer the question. How To Live Awesome. That's just amazing. How? What's the answer to the question. That's been my passion my pursuit of my commitment since then for. So many years to come and it's going to be a lifetime pursuit of happiness.


G: What a great question to ask


SP: It's a wonderful question and creating keeps you going for a long time. Completely it really goes. It's a lifetime's pursuit so I don't know what word adjectives you'd use to describe. That moment of clarity. That moment of getting over myself, just brute force honesty.


G: Yeah.


SP: What you're doing isn't working what are you defending and I think that's really the theme of perspectives?


G: Yeah.


SP: Argue a point if it's working defend the status quo if it's bringing joy and it's bringing love and it's bringing compassion and it brings inclusion and it brings the best of people.


G: Yeah


SP: But if someone's in tears or angry or bitter or sad or defensive don't defend. Where we ran because you're reading a defensive said visible angry whatever place? What's to this pain. And that was the moment I had. That was the moment I had. That's right.


G: It's incredible.


SP: There is no point in me defending me and where I'm at another moment and I just I put that low down.


G: Yeah. So what's that to shift for you from there? From that incredible moment of clarity in. Making that decision to.


SP: Ok. So one of the promises I made to myself I forgot about this. You may remember me telling the story I decided then that I will not say a bad word or negative thought out loud and if I can't say something in a positive way or find a way to articulate something in a compassionate way useful way productive way whatever the positive adjective is I can't say it so I didn't talk things. Like. That but I really thought. I would be at dinner parties and thinking I am not going to add to this because I am addicted. To finding the dark side. I'm addicted to finding the glue minute I'm addicted to bringing myself consciousness to this annoying was very quiet. For a long time. And I think very appropriate to. I think that was best for everyone. Because part of my healing had to be well I want to question everything. Because it's all looking like crap to me. So I got a question at all was I don't know at this point what the gold is in my life. Not a lot but I know what the gold is and I don't know what the rubbish is. So I got to act like I got quit. I want to question it all. I just assume it's all up food it's all up a question


G: Yeah. Break the pattern.


SP: Let's see. Does that improve the quality of my life and the quality of our relationships? Or not. And that was my benchmark. It is to improve the quality of my life and or the quality of my relationships. And if it didn't do one or two or one or the other or both of those things defend it. And I've been doing that now since this has been many years now.


G: Yes


SP: I'm doing exactly that and and I trust in a really honest way. Even with you every day they've caused in my life I'm gonna say that's not working well what's going on with that. I'm going to want to rip it open and say well hang on is this our best. And that's become my new addiction. And it's and it's awesome for people who are up for that level of consciousness?


G: Yeah.


SP: But shall I say it's a little challenging for people who perhaps. My husband's describes it sometimes is confronting the people find it confronting but. I wouldn't want to unpack it. And B get to the essence of it as the real of it. Back inside the real of it which is I can't the good the bad the ugly.


G: Yeah


SP: and that's been my bishop since but what started it was. You're on a diet of saying good things.

I nothing to say. The second thing I did was. Stop my stop. Well the biggest challenge ahead was I was very articulate in my head with myself talk of what was wrong and dark in my life and clueless how to articulate anything positive? So they'll say look inside I looked inside I could go. And this is no joke. I remember one night go for four hours when I should have been asleep. A lot of trouble back then, I have no trouble now. But I'd feel the tie just berating myself with everything that was wrong. And I went for hours straight till 2:00 a.m. variety myself and everything was wrong before I realised I was doing that. Well I didn't even know I was doing. That's how automatic. Me and my personal drama had become. And that's nonsense. That's really ridiculous. That's self-harming.


G:Yeah.


SP: That's what you do once. And I realised it was 2:30am. I'm still doing this. Do something else? Thinking I thought. And nothing happened to my head. It was no nice thought. There's this silence because the brain can't be silent. So if you'd been more needed thought I'd start again. I couldn't believe it. I was standing watching my thoughts. Doc thought negative thought condemning myself for blame. Someone thought or judging someone making an excuse what I'd done wrong. How can how I said so I could just pass through? I had chapters of this stuff I chapters it. I could literally go all day and all night. I did all of these. Those are all fine. There's no pause button. That's how I was wired. And they just came a point that night. Maybe this could be different now this. You might hear this and go Well the princess like really. But it wasn't like that to me completely.


G: No. That's it. That's the reality when you.


SP: That was my reality and. It didn't occur to me until that moment I should question myself talk and viewers could be listening asking more crucial questions until it wasn't obvious to me. I didn't know who. But I questioned it and I realised man I'm feeding myself rubbish so surely rubbish is going to be coming out. Maybe my life is a reflection of my inner world and I was the first glimmer I head of. Maybe I can change my inner world. I still don't know how but I thought I can stop and remember this moment distinctly. I can go for hours with negative self-talk hours. Proving it. How I'll keep going positive and I timed it? It was eight seconds. Eight seconds of positive. I don't know what it was but that's all I could put. I think that include a lot of umms and ahhs don't noise I seconds is a long time we've never done it. Okay. What if I go for four hours straight with negative self-taught can I build up to one minute? One minute. We get emotional positive. And. I did. I did one minute. I sure didn't. I did 30 seconds and that was unbelievable 30 seconds and I believe it when I said. I rock. No I don't. I'm timing myself. I didn't mean ever for a moment. I'm telling myself I mean it kind of to me. I could do 30 seconds all right. No I don't. I'm complete garbage. Yeah but you could rock. No I don't. Any universe. But what if you did it but this is lecture I argued with myself in 30 seconds that was the most puzzling thing I've done for myself and as long as I remember decades 30 seconds down one minute to go. So what I started doing was finding books that spoke kindly I'd never done that I'd read them and just like that doesn't work. That doesn't work for me I don't believe that there's going to be me. I don't relate to that. I don't know what they're talking about. You've got to be more advanced than that. That's just somebody who's been a Buddhist although I had so many ways to open up the same books again. Doesn't even matter the book. And I read it. Okay. What kindness can I find in this passage? And Glam. I literally wrote down the kind passage. I'd write it down and I'd get a I had these cards. You know what I mean.


G: Yeah yeah.


SP: The old fashion


G: The post.


SP: This is pre- post it notes. So I had I had these cards and I would try to write. And just because I didn't have anything in me that was positive I would write the kindest things I could find I wouldn't believe a word of them. Not one word but I wrote them down. I didn't use them as affirmations. Because I just don't rate that. What I did? The Negative self-talk would happen Hang on. I catch myself sometimes it was five minutes. My record was another two hours before I caught myself. Didn't matter. You call yourself Brian. Ok. So this is an alternative. Doesn't matter I believe it. Just learn the language.


G: Yeah.


SP: Catch myself 10 minutes in. Back to my card because back then there was no phones or anything to write this stuff on it was old fashioned Writing. There’s a thing called writing? This is too much fun. So I pulled out the note and I'd read it. Yeah I believe in if it doesn't matter. Just give him the language. I learnt words like compassion and kindness and patience and tolerance and self-acceptance. I don't believe any of them. I was learning the language.


G: That's incredible.


SP: I literally had to teach myself how to be kind.


G: That's amazing. Can I share something super cool. Cause it's cause I literally had a coach tell me the other day that that's what she's doing with Ultimate You Quest that she does because there’s lines in there like, You know you are enough you're worthy and she is she literally said and I would open up the book and I would read that line and I would think. You're enough. No you're not.


SP: Yeah


G: You're worthy. You're not.


SP: Yeah


G: But that's what she would do. She would mature her and then little by little she starts to believe in a bit more.


SP: How long did it take her to do you know?


G: I think she's still doing it now.


SP: So she's in it. Wow.


G: Yeah.


SP: Good on her.


G: It's amazing.


SP: Oh I get that.


G: Yeah


SP: I get that. That's it literally open the book. Doesn't matter you don't have to get it. I have to agree with it. Might never said it before in your life just write it down. So then I started a journal and I started doing something. But in the beginning it was just as cheap cuts I'd have my handbag or my back pocket and


G: Maybe we should do something like that for our members. We'll take some line from the Ultimate You.


SP: Yeah. Could be on the phone.


G: That would be amazing. If you're listening to this right now and you've got an amazing line that you know you go to all the time in the Ultimate You book. Comment below if you're listening on iTunes or on Spotify or however it is you’re connecting with us. Subscribe comment below with what's your favourite line and we'll put them together we'll put together some more.


SP: Or You don't know a favourite line. Open the book.


G: Open the book


SP: and look at it from the perspective of I want to find some kindness in here.


G: Yeah


SP: I want to find some compassion here. I don't necessarily believe it. I don't get it or write it down. Might not even be your favourite of might just be. That's nonsense but I get that that needs to be met. Yes because that's where I begin. That's not so but I know that needs to be made. And so I don't mind where people stop. Yeah it's a great idea.


G: Yes wonderful.


SP: Makes sure you share with me.


G: Yeah absolutely I will. I will make sure we put the link for you guys to get the book into the show notes as well. So I believe its ultimateyouquest.com/book is where I can go to get.


SP: Are you looking at me for the Web site to look at.


G: No I’m looking at Woody. It's amazing.


SP: Yeah that's a great idea.


G: It's incredible.


SP: And then I love that's what members are doing.


G: Yeah.


SP: That's so great. So I began with that and all I was doing was learning to interrupt my new self-taught and start replacing it with other language. Instead of building up a vocabulary of kindness and I just kept building it out and it was so. It was so foreign to me. And I was telling myself of course it's a waste of time so worth doing nothing's going to happen nothing's working or wasting my time. Because of course that was my addiction. And then what happened was. Then the next part was you know this bit. The effing rock.


G: Yeah.


SP: So I am moved by strong language as well. If you get to know me know how to write and I and you're welcome to give me feedback on ladies don’t swear and I'm still gonna do it. I'm still a lady and I still swear that it's who I am and I'm not changing that or hiding it because I am really so I effing locks so you can edit it if you want but. For the adult viewer at home I fucking rock. I said it today like, yeah all good. I wrote that down shaking crying and thinking that is B.S. There is nothing about those three words three words that is true. Not one of not emulate I think is who you are fucking. Don't even overstate things you don't get you don't get to feel passionate about anything wrong. Oh for goodness sake I could I could break down the whole thing for three hours and tell you how was wrong? And I wrote it down knowing I need something to show the reason for the I feel I need to shake my soul I rock. I need to shake myself out of the ineptitude the laziness is still quite laziness the ineffectiveness was so ineffective at waking myself up. I can’t say it was laziness close committed. It was so bad that I needed something I was going to me and remind me that I'm counter my current status quo. So the word fucking meant that to me it was counter to my status quo of trying to fit in and compare myself to others or me approved of it and be nice Oh my God Literally was driving myself insane. So fuck that man I fucking rock. I didn't set like that back then I think maybe if it's okay maybe one please. There's nothing here. Why would anyone listen to me anyway? That's how I crept up on those words back then. So I wrote it down. And I had it by my bed. And every time I woke up. I had to read those words and say those words. Now the reason I had to have that plan and you might remember the stories because I couldn't remember the words. And I laugh and I cry. I couldn't remember three words. You fucking rock. I'd wake up I'd stop the negative self-talk I'd stop beating up on myself I should kill myself what is the point? Why know why I'm going on? This isn't working. There's three words. Oh my God that's right. And I couldn't get out of bed made so I said those words I just so I lay going to the three words or recite one of those words. And I couldn't remember them. Pick up the fucking card I fucking rock. And what I'd have to do is this I'd have to jump out of bed at the moment I said the words because the second later fraction second. I know you don't do it and nobody but I. Okay so time it. I'm talking about John. And. I did that first every day all day. I would interrupt myself negative self-taught fucking.


G: Yeah.


SP: Don't be in there I argue with myself. And then I'd have huge debates about the that the potential of me fucking walking one day. And I'd have huge ideas myself about what if I already had and always had rocks and had realised it and that was a whole wonderful philosophical argument because then I'd wasted years. So I get to beat up on myself some more. I know this is gonna work but I did it because I was so desperate so it's not courage was desperation. And then the second week back I remember. I woke up and the first thoughts first words in my head. I fucking rock. And I jumped out a bed before it all fell to pieces because I knew what was coming next and I got out of bed and I said out loud to myself I fucking rock? And the inner voice shut up for like 10 seconds and I never had that I didn't know what that was. And then it didn't happen. And then my next thought was What if I do. And what if I start living like I do and I just haven't figured out how yet. And that was the next big journey and that all happened in like a month after me standing behind the chair. That was the next four weeks. That's how seismic my shift was in my approach to me and how I lived. I was that dedicated to a cause I was very committed at failing at life was very very successful at failing at life. I wanted to start succeeding at feeling awesome so I just that month they said it's 21 days to you have it. There is no science behind that. That is not true. If a habit happens when I have it have this which when you do that I have to question it. You don't have to be an egg to do it. Eat something it's a line with your values and that's the hand. It was a habit after about a month. And then it was about reinforcing I spent my life since then reinforcing it as you know because it's easy to slip back into the fear stuff because it's more of natural evolution wise we're designing here and designed for avoidance of pain. So it's quite counter-intuitive to feel joy and to believe you fucking rock and to embrace life that is actually quite counter our survival mechanism. Yet back through the ages we’re meant to be fighting stuff killing stuff and stealing other people's women stuff like that. That literally is what we our brains is designed for and we just did a bit and everything else so we rule. But today we're not doing that so much. But our brain doesn't know that evolution hasn't caught up with the we get the indulgence of sitting here and having thoughts. So we got to retrain all of it. There's something that's more natural and shared then I think that's wonderful. It wasn't for me. I very much come from a long line of evolutionary anxiety. My natural states can be worried. You're looking good. What's missing? That's gonna be my natural fallback position. So. A month I called it my Immersion month.


G: Yeah


SP: And then I just kept building the language. Every day I had to add a paragraph. Yeah every day for 30 days at a paragraph and I think I still do that today. So in many ways every single day now all these years later I'm still gonna read something that's inspiring or enlightening or empowering I'm going to find something troubling. What can I do about it? What happened I think about it differently but that's only because I put it in the early work of building language so I could actually have a conversation with myself? That was cool


G: Yes.


SP: Then the next thing I did was I started having fun with my inner voice. My inner voice was hardcore. Deep resonant certain “you suck and nothing's gonna change my mind.” And so I turned into a Mickey Mouse voice. You really really suck. So I turned the inner voice whenever I became conscious of it. Sometimes I would run for ages or a man is like changing it. Then I started visualising it with. As a clown with clown feet it and then I made it this big. Sit on my shoulder and I started treating it with kindness. In my arguments to be kind. I know you want to protect me I know you're afraid. I know that you think I'm not going to be okay doing this. I get that and I appreciate that you've got my best interests you want to be safe. I do. I think that's awesome. You know what I reckon together. Maybe you just want to sit and take a back seat cause you've been there doing the job for so long. I'll have a go because you saw it develop the language. This is we started to converse with my inner world and why in a world that negative part of this is the wonder of this. We say all the time look within the self within. Well I had this gremlin that just moved way in the world. It's like having an infection instead of the healthy tissue. That's a pretty gross analogy but if you look at something completely fake it all you see is patient bacteria and you can't see that there's any thing and there's no there's just what is a good thing? Clearly the patient it's all good. It's a competition. Well I was just infected this virus of my gremlin that little clown voice. When I made a little? Sit on my shoulder. And then I invented on the other shoulder. I fucking love version. I would have duke it out. Yeah well I just kept getting bigger and inevitably inevitably you're got to be kind. As part of me as well I just you guys argue it out while I do it. So. You guys let it out and I'm going to go learn it become a coach. I love that. You guys worry and you try and convince them not to worry and I'm going to go do my first coaching session.


G: Yep.


SP: Shaking and dry heaving before the session started and you is going to have a debate about the merits of me living at home and never leaving the house or watching TV. I know what I wanted to do with his speech. And that's how I just crept up on the goals and what I wanted from life. I just got bigger and bigger over time. You know I'm probably fast forward with it to get to my first speech but that's how I did it. That's the detail and the effort and this or all of it that just got me out of my funk.


G: Yeah well I love I love you sharing all these details. Good thing I've ever had. I'm sure to hear your story in detail with your level of ability.


SP: I hope it's helpful. I don't think I've ever unpacked to this amount of time, luxury of a podcast I'm sure has to have the time to read it and fully express what it meant. And to say you're just so we're definitive here was tough.


G: Yeah.


SP: And it would have been easy to stopped and go back to automatic


G: Yeah, to go back to a automatic.


SP: It would have been comforting to have thought it was all a waste of time. This is good. Everybody and everybody is just lying.


G: Yeah.


SP: Yeah that would have been the cheap cheapest way out of the whole thing. But you know the how to state overhead was with my girl and saying Yeah chill about Buster anytime this shit down I'm going to figure out if I really get it. I suspect here I'm talking to my little clown fellow who's really gone on holiday but I have a little chat with you and go to something like this. I suspect I fucking rock. Just so we're clear. I don't know if it's true yet. I suspect it is. I want to figure out if it is and with or without you. That's what we're going to be doing. But if it could be with you in some way if you guys keep me safe from actual danger and help me learn about what to do with my pain and you come on the journey if you're going to support my device and explore different aspects of myself because the way we've been hanging out. And I get me to fuck a rock. And I had conversations like yeah. So yeah I'm self-taught.

Yeah.

Which you know, as I’m saying it, it seems very self-indulgent but necessary because completely. I was reading books look within I didn't know where to look at this is the beginning of managing me. Yes and self-regulating me and self comforting me. That's


G: Yeah I think it's such a shame that that internal journey sometimes get the label of being self-indulgent because then I think it stops people from healing.


SP: Yeah


G: Yeah. They’re having a go at all that the journey


SP: Well said


G: And it's incredible hearing that you're breaking it down to that level detail you are seeing, Seeing the correlation now you know all these years later as you've grown and taking credible actions and built incredible communities and horses and programs and books and.because that's what our coaches do now.


SP: And they do it with their clients they do that with their families. Because I'm going to start with the consciousness


G: because it's translates into how we train our coaches.


SP: It does


SP: And had to have conversations with their own self taught mustn't argue with it to have a kind conversation with it and to acknowledge it is translate into. I remember on an Ultimate You Quest group where when the members go through the 12 weeks and they end you you set up with the challenges to break some of those old patterns and you know and those share and it's that it's that journey though share that right. I've just watched this video shine and this is the challenge and I'm having a go at it and so many with so many of them would even say I've been sitting here writing this post and I keep hitting delete.


SP: And I’ve edited this post.


G: Oh yeah.


SP: Yeah. And the friend and I hear it in audiences all the time.


G: Yes.


SP: And I think part of the reason I want to share this and thank you for asking is. I would have loved to have known. So perhaps I was admiring the outside success success that had a journey.


G: Yeah.


SP: And it's not just to make me more relatable it's I wouldn't like anyone to grow up to be so much more relatable now. So it just isn't I see me as a human I am the humanity to me is the same as everybody is how we get to where we're heading. It's a rough ride. It isn't always smooth sailing and choppy thing anyone. And to imagine that if someone is to. Is to delude ourselves that anyone has achieved I retired any version of out there success that hasn't had an inroad they've needed to deal with? And until about my setbacks and coming perspectives episodes there's plenty of those. But my ride to the outside success. Yeah bumpy at least. Bumpy at least. The the bigger the success. I have amazing success the bigger the success man the the bigger the reach within me


G:Yeah.


SP:The more I've had to call on the entire journey so love to talk more about that. Yeah more episodes here. Well I guess you've done that and there's a bit of space now. Now what do you feel it got? That's a whole lot that we've got to do that and it's reaching in and finding the resourcefulness and realising it was there and it's silencing the or at least quieting that a critic who wants to keep us safe and know skiing. And it's. Noticing how we trade with people in our lives who are going to be discouraging and sabotaging or wanting to tone us down or mentally shape us into their version on acceptable levels of success? It's being turned into okay. What am I tuning into within here? This kind move in that direction. And is it there and then it's learning. Well I don't know. But we even go there to learn and re-calibrate and re-calibrate to re-calibrate. That's what this is.


G: Yeah.


SP: Yeah that's what my success is on the outside.


G: Yes.


SP: It's all of that a lot.


G: Yeah.


SP: I say all the times is plenty times I'm just goofy often like I was goofing off last night I. Didn't do any of that. I think I talked about the walking dead and how to survive so I can't take right here. The rest of the time it's important stuff I have I saved you yet. From the Zombie Apocalypse?


G: Well you haven't introduced me to The Walking Dead.


SP: I'll give you a graphic so I'll give you a break. I can help you out there.


G: Thank you.


SP: I can do a UFO apocalypse as well the first 24 hours.


G: So stick by you.


SP: There we go. I have a feeling. Love it. So that's what it is though. Any time we are attaining something that is bigger than imagination or dares to challenge what we perceive as possible. Man this scrape nails and scrape knuckles and cleaning up the scraping on the beautiful clothes. This a lot of that and we need more of those conversations because it's a soft underbelly. And I am pretty tough person as you know. So are you. But the underbelly is still soft.


G: Yeah


SP: it's still raw. I still can be heard and it still feels yes but you're about. I've discovered the resilience within me. I've discovered what to tap into so I can handle it so I can claim the out of that success. As you do. That's that's the whole point man. The underbelly it's been through so rough Yeah rough tough. And that was the beginning of it for me. That's it has in the beginning. Either kill myself or I start figuring out how to live.


G: Yes.


SP: And that was my story.


G: And I think the humanity of that story is incredible.


SP: Thank you.


G: Because you create some incredible success.


SP: Thank you.

And I think it's so easy to look at that and immediately come to conclusion. Well I'll never have what she. And yeah she could do that.


SP: She's lucky.


G: Yeah.


SP: Yeah that's her.


G: That's not right.


SP: That's just her.


G: That's not me. I could never do that. And I think that's one of the most incredible all. I think you have the opposite as well. We have some of our coaches where they do have reached a level of success and this are the most successful coaches in Australia and Asia now. Then they do get to this phase when they feel like I can't I can't be vulnerable. I have to have it all together. Yeah I had to know I had to hold it together for my club have to hold it together for my family and and.


SP: Yeah.


G: To have that space in that community where we already in the mail to share the story of. A tech vote so it has it all sides. Yeah it's not easy.


SP: Yeah I really dig coaches who are stuck in the space so? If I'm not tough my clients don't stay or if I don't look like I got it all together. My clients don't criticise me I've been their man and I think you are you were you were with us at that time. That is a tough space to occupy. It's hard to get out of it. It isn't the community that changes it's where you have to.


G: Yeah


SP: and that's that's some big that's a big fucking clear mirror right.


G: Yeah.


SP: We stopped looking at them. Look do you want to. You want that feedback to change. It's right here. It's really got to do more. I say to the universe I say to my friend sometimes I think it suits you universe. I have enough character. Give me a break. It just keeps happening. It is happening anyway.


G: I know those are some of the strategies that you know that we'll cover some of the light episodes as well.


SP: You think there was a request about business.


G: Yes business strategies relationships emotional intimacy leadership strategies emotional intelligence.


SP: Yes.


G: And you know how to handle as a business leader how to handle some of those tough times. How to handle some of the tough conversations? So you know there's so much that we could share. And I think this is this is the important foundation to all of it.


SP: Yeah. We're probably again before that but this is when I had called this is my my the birth of consciousness for me where I actually became quite aware of. The automatic enough to think I should do something about it. That to me was why this is the genesis.


G: Yes. I know, wonderful


SP: Thank you.

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