#PERSPECTIVES EPISODE 2 | Life's Good So Why Am I Not Happy?
Our external happiness isn't always how we truly feel behind closed doors. Join Sharon as she recounts her raw and real personal-development journey. She takes you back to the beginning and how she went from feeling stuck, hollow and useless to creating a life where she felt fulfilled, emotionally stronger, and internally successful.
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Elysium “Glam” Nyguen: Are we on? All right let's do this
Sharon Pearson: Important topic.
G: Hello SP, it’s so wonderful to have you back
SP: Thank you.
G: We're live again on the SP Perspectives podcast.
SP: We are
G: And we’re back for episode number two.
SP: Yes after some amazing comments
G: Some really incredible feedback and comments out.
SP: Very encouraging.
G: Yes being reading through it the other day because one of the questions we ask everyone was if it's OK. We go deep and is it OK if we go too far and is it OK. We explore some ideas that are different and diverse and welcoming different perspectives.
SP: I was speaking with a friend today who listened. Or watched and they said. She shared. You had vulnerability and strengths at the same time. And. That's who I am off as well as on yes. And I did and I find that a challenge and to be. That. With a camera like I'm uncomfortable saying that. But. It is so much easier just to be strong on camera. Lately I've gotten together and just be strong and just be capable and have the answers. That is a much well-trodden path for people. And I get it. I really do. But I kind of made a commitment to myself as I was speaking with ICE picked Boston about this a lot that if I'm going to do it it's got to. It's got to be truthful. It really has. And I was only saying tonight to my friend who we look like and how we present on the outside and whatever success looks like to others on the outside. Unless that's matched on the inside.
SP: I don't feel quite authentic him you about that word. But also talking about where those two things a line doesn't happen enough.
SP: So I don't mind talking about that. I'm building up to that. I got going. I haven't even had a drink and I'm. Going to ease into. Let's talk about where the eternal wine is a wine necessarily and what am I doing about that and why does that matter? Because for a lot of years it didn't matter that my insides didn't match my outsides as a man I'm no good at making money. I'm. I'm good I've got money in the bank I've got a flash car when I check the boxes on the outside. I didn't I didn't even know how to go inside.
SP: And that's in my book obviously. So look at you. You've edited it like 12 times
G: and I think that's such an important message of the book and I think it's why it's getting the making the impact that it's making. Because I think some people would have felt the way that you felt or another had a far away at a community never had a space where they could open up about that.
SP: Yeah. And also hear that other people are the same.
G: Yeah I know they're not alone and they're not.
SP: Not only in the not alone but the journey. You know I'm here and sitting with you right now saying the journey is tough. It's not a weekend intensive I can't Ra my way to this type of success.
SP: I can't peak state my way. Because up on the weekends done and I'm all for that kind of weekend you know. But when the weekends down I'm going to go back to living.
SP: And if I go back into the same environment with the same people. And I don't know what to do about that I'm going to start experiencing the same stuff I experienced prior to the weekend. And that causes a lot of despondent. So what do you do about that? So it's. Yes we're not alone. We've all got this journey going on whether we are aware of it or not whether we're conscious to it or not whether we're running on automatic or not but knowing what to do with that okay great. And go with it. Now what do I do? That's the conversation that. I'm building the courage to have.
G: Yeah. It's such an important conversation. And one of the things is on the most common themes or arising so are the comments and questions that we're asking because we asked you know what would people love to hear more about? And it's a lot more of that conversation
G: It's more of that space of you know.
G: You know I know we've heard this on these messages before but what do I do about that?
SP: And I'm so glad I'm not the only freak in the room. You know what I mean, I’m like this I'm writing it. I know is trog that it's writing in the shadows writing my book alone not really knowing how that's being perceived and it's really important to hear. Yes that's there's others who feel that way because writing such a lonely rewarding like it's really I can love it.I wouldn't have it any other way. Like you know me I guess it's helped me learn. What was it like 12 hours writing, did you go public with your ideas?
G:Oh my God.
SP: Okay. It's now out there isn't it.
SP: Like here's my art, now comment
G: And I want to say thank you.
SP: Well you're awesome.
G: For the amount of vulnerability you put in that book.
SP: I appreciate that out there and thank you and I thank you for editing 12 times.
G: We did a really good.
SP: We did. Well it's very validating that this the conversation people want to have.
SP: What else do people want to hear about?
G: Well I think because in the natural next question that we will get a lot of e-mail you know that was Well how did you do that?
G: How did you come to something credible messages and themes you share in the book?
G: And almost a step before that will how did all this start for you?\
SP: Why did I?
G: Why did it start?
SP: It's such a great question. Is one question but why did I ever decide not to stay on automatic?
SP: There’s a lot of comfort in TV every night and not thinking and yeah having the same conversations over and over with people in your life who are near and dear and never challenging was is the highest quality conversation is the highest quality moment and then the hard work in doing something about that because you challenging the status quo?
SP: I want the things I say in my book is. You know you're probably on track when people around you are kind of bugged you pissed off some people you're probably on you and I know. Please don't anyone hear that facetiously That means you don't aim to bug anyone I'm not saying
SP: but me looking to differentiate myself and question how much is automatic how much is conscious where the patents are. But everyone's really content with that conversation. There are people in my life who just like. They do just one quiet life TV and don't challenge the status quo. So it's uphill downhill some my scheme.
SP: and some of it's like you. Do stand your crampons into the ground scraping against the ice thinking where the top of the hill it’s that is all the time and it can be both at the same time?
SP: Because it's very energising to scenes insights into how awake I can be. As somebody in my life is like why I dig in this conversation. Or really that's how you see it. And then I'm like Oh yeah I am. And I don't know if it's right. I don't know if it's taking in the right direction but I wanna stay awake to this because there could be something to it and I'm okay. It's gonna be misplace later but for now unless we ask the bad ideas we're gonna get to the good ones. So if there's all of that going on at the same time.
G: So how did you find the courage to do that?
SP: Courage is a huge assumption a gift. Let's say desperation.
SP: So… This…I don't know when I can say the journey started because from pretty young I wanted to be conscious knew there was a potential for I didn't get it - got told by people when I was reading the books back then and it was very not nearly sophisticated message today. You can't even picture like really. I'm not even going to do it don't even look at it when I in my day I… shut it. Back in my day it was literally five books on a bookshelf, back in my day you had to go to a bookstore and there was books
G: You can’t just open your phone? Get the audible.
SP: Exactly. And they were based in science at all. And they didn't. I couldn't pick from them the message of how to have in the journey. And that's to say it wasn't there.
SP: But I knew very early on that there was something. I didn't believe in affirmations I never have. I still don't know. A thousand ways in different ways I'm getting better and better. I felt like the first day I read that I just felt such hollowness cos I'm saying it. I must say feeling like a liar. But there wasn't any science around this. And if there was I couldn't find it. So I kind of knew there was something there. But when I looked inside it was really dark and very scary and encouraging. And I don't think I'm alone with that. I think it's a lot of people who. Okay.
SP: Look within for the answers the answers within. That's great. Where I'm looking and I don't like what I'm finding because those answers suck? That was a very familiar theme for me.
G: Yeah I remember reading that you did.
G: In the opening chapter. And thinking that is so true.
G: That is so true.
SP: If I look inside. And I don't like what I find. Why would I look for the answer?
G: What do I do now?
SP: What do I do? So it's much easier to keep the focus outside so I did that I really focused on the outside and I did it and really unresourceful ways and I did it really resourceful ways. So going back I won't even talk the number of years because we're literally pre probably your birth so I don't think. That it would be that long ago it was comparison to others so I didn't I had to look within. So it's a very lonely time of comparing myself to other people and finding myself wanting and not liking myself more and more because if I don't compare myself to where it's obvious I'm not improving. But I know that so I can't compare myself to other people and seeing other people having a great life. Why thank you Why is that. It's just the uselessness of why is that happening with me and what's wrong with me and I can run that record? It's just that the path to pain is paved with that. So I did that for a while. And that made me really bitter and lonely and isolated and sad and defeated. So I got really deprived say the word depression would be accurate. I had thoughts of suicide I had thoughts I had thoughts of. What's the point? I keep living this way and I don't know how to live any other way. I don't see any point. I didn't get how to be different and my gosh there are ways to be different but I didn't know that.
SP: So what was the point? Why keep going when this isn't giving me joy? It didn't give me joy your state didn't give me joy 10 years ago. I'm not doing this for another 10 years but soon alternative and I'm the first. So I wasn't looking in the right places for the alternative but I didn't know that was a good place to look. There were right places to look I did not know that. So I was just in this loop of my own. Self perpetuating pain that I could justify and I could defend and I could explain and I could point out how it wasn't me and I could do all of that. I had such an eloquence because I know I'm articulate. Well I had the same level of being articulate I could talk good. Back then yes and I around to a problem.
SP: So I could justify and defend and articulate why it wasn't working that didn't involve me changing because I didn't have any language for me changing and I didn't know what me changing could entail or what that would look like or Yeah. So I just decided this was the way it was. I had a lot of illnesses.
SP: I was getting very badly diagnosed at the time and I was getting diagnosed with stuff that meant radical medical treatments that just weren't and Joe with me and we're going to make me worse because those suppressing symptoms not dealing with the cause and I could tell it was all out of a line alignment with having any type of great life. I just didn't know how to get off the train. It was moving too fast. I was too committed and a lot of luggage this nice train was loaded up with. So many carts behind it was just dragging my luggage there my past and my story so I didn't have slowed down the train to know to get off the train and didn't because it was bending like me you've been embedded in my story and when I was attached to and what I was connected to and what I thought was true? Exhaustion.
SP: And then it wasn't courage as much as. I don't know what the word for was all that. I'll let you decide I'll let the listeners swipe it became a moment where I just dug myself into such a ditch that. I didn't know how to get out. Like I wish you stood in the room I've told this story before. I stood in a room of my beautiful home and Happily married Ticking boxes on the outside and I was so miserable. I couldn't move. I literally couldn't. I stood there for an hour because I've done the housework. There was nothing left to do to keep me busy and distracted from being miserable. That was done. I had another book rejected by another 40 or 50 publishers so I just had to start another book. There was literally there was I have no idea if I go that way. There's no point if I go this way I'll be defended defeated if I go that way I'll be judged. And if I go this way I'll be mocked and that's all in my head. No that's necessarily happening but that's how it was to me. So. I stood there and I thought I I don't know how to move right next I have no idea what movement would cause me to do and I can't keep doing more of the useless. I just received the word. As panting useless anymore. I just won't do another moment of useless but no idea what to do instead.
G: Yeah. Thank you so much for showing up this is amazing. I'm sure there'll be some people who could relate? Yeah I do ways too that they too have the strength to. for you to share is wonderful.
SP: Thank you.
G: Such a gift.
SP: Everyone's good. Everyone knows stuff going on no one's got it made. Everyone's getting hooked up and tangled up in some of their own mess from the past or whatever and to ignore it or pretend it's not happening. And it also I think. So I stood there. And it occurred to me. There are people in the world who were living amazing lives who had much worse backgrounds than I did? True trauma. And they're getting on with it and really it's amazing life and I know why they hadn't occurred to me 10 years 20 years before that it occurred to me then and that's what happened. It And Then I thought well how. How the f are they doing that? When I kind of even moved from the back of this chair I'm just stuck standing here? They're leading these lives and inspiring people and triumphing over their pain every single day. They're resetting and moving forward. How? When I can't even go to the kitchen to make a cup of tea they're doing this? And then I asked myself not really. How? So. That's not courage. That was just one decent question amongst a gloom of miserable questions Like I could nail. I could go for hours on the gloom and I was on the doom and what was wrong? But.
I just said one word. How?
How are they doing that? Like really. How? Are they doing that? How are they managing to triumph? When everything would suggest that. Can't be possible if a fraction of my upbringing. Maybe just be Possible.
SP: I think it was possible but if they were to fire my Bullshit beliefs out there. What is that about? I think that's where a lot of turn people down comes from. Because if someone is going to shine. And try out.
SP: It's kind of hard to defend my own status quo and hurt people hurt people so you know someone's going to shine. If I could take a swing at them and maybe prove to myself they ain't all that. I'm going to be okay just saying stuff.
SP: Hey, I didn't do that. I had done that but I didn't do that. I don't think I've done it again since then. I may have privately. Are probably having conversations probably had bitter resentful moments so you know to take someone down from being awesome but finding a flaw I can find satisfaction that even today? But that was my art form back then. And that moment I committed. No more than knocking. No more looking for the floor. No it's there. We've all got them.
SP: Now just answer the question you spent 37 years answering the question how miserable can I make myself. Didn't know I was doing that. I would dedicate the next 37 years. Answer the question. How To Live Awesome. That's just amazing. How? What's the answer to the question. That's been my passion my pursuit of my commitment since then for. So many years to come and it's going to be a lifetime pursuit of happiness.
G: What a great question to ask
SP: It's a wonderful question and creating keeps you going for a long time. Completely it really goes. It's a lifetime's pursuit so I don't know what word adjectives you'd use to describe. That moment of clarity. That moment of getting over myself, just brute force honesty.
SP: What you're doing isn't working what are you defending and I think that's really the theme of perspectives?
SP: Argue a point if it's working defend the status quo if it's bringing joy and it's bringing love and it's bringing compassion and it brings inclusion and it brings the best of people.
SP: But if someone's in tears or angry or bitter or sad or defensive don't defend. Where we ran because you're reading a defensive said visible angry whatever place? What's to this pain. And that was the moment I had. That was the moment I had. That's right.
G: It's incredible.
SP: There is no point in me defending me and where I'm at another moment and I just I put that low down.
G: Yeah. So what's that to shift for you from there? From that incredible moment of clarity in. Making that decision to.
SP: Ok. So one of the promises I made to myself I forgot about this. You may remember me telling the story I decided then that I will not say a bad word or negative thought out loud and if I can't say something in a positive way or find a way to articulate something in a compassionate way useful way productive way whatever the positive adjective is I can't say it so I didn't talk things. Like. That but I really thought. I would be at dinner parties and thinking I am not going to add to this because I am addicted. To finding the dark side. I'm addicted to finding the glue minute I'm addicted to bringing myself consciousness to this annoying was very quiet. For a long time. And I think very appropriate to. I think that was best for everyone. Because part of my healing had to be well I want to question everything. Because it's all looking like crap to me. So I got a question at all was I don't know at this point what the gold is in my life. Not a lot but I know what the gold is and I don't know what the rubbish is. So I got to act like I got quit. I want to question it all. I just assume it's all up food it's all up a question
G: Yeah. Break the pattern.
SP: Let's see. Does that improve the quality of my life and the quality of our relationships? Or not. And that was my benchmark. It is to improve the quality of my life and or the quality of my relationships. And if it didn't do one or two or one or the other or both of those things defend it. And I've been doing that now since this has been many years now.
SP: I'm doing exactly that and and I trust in a really honest way. Even with you every day they've caused in my life I'm gonna say that's not working well what's going on with that. I'm going to want to rip it open and say well hang on is this our best. And that's become my new addiction. And it's and it's awesome for people who are up for that level of consciousness?
SP: But shall I say it's a little challenging for people who perhaps. My husband's describes it sometimes is confronting the people find it confronting but. I wouldn't want to unpack it. And B get to the essence of it as the real of it. Back inside the real of it which is I can't the good the bad the ugly.
SP: and that's been my bishop since but what started it was. You're on a diet of saying good things.
I nothing to say. The second thing I did was. Stop my stop. Well the biggest challenge ahead was I was very articulate in my head with myself talk of what was wrong and dark in my life and clueless how to articulate anything positive? So they'll say look inside I looked inside I could go. And this is no joke. I remember one night go for four hours when I should have been asleep. A lot of trouble back then, I have no trouble now. But I'd feel the tie just berating myself with everything that was wrong. And I went for hours straight till 2:00 a.m. variety myself and everything was wrong before I realised I was doing that. Well I didn't even know I was doing. That's how automatic. Me and my personal drama had become. And that's nonsense. That's really ridiculous. That's self-harming.
SP: That's what you do once. And I realised it was 2:30am. I'm still doing this. Do something else? Thinking I thought. And nothing happened to my head. It was no nice thought. There's this silence because the brain can't be silent. So if you'd been more needed thought I'd start again. I couldn't believe it. I was standing watching my thoughts. Doc thought negative thought condemning myself for blame. Someone thought or judging someone making an excuse what I'd done wrong. How can how I said so I could just pass through? I had chapters of this stuff I chapters it. I could literally go all day and all night. I did all of these. Those are all fine. There's no pause button. That's how I was wired. And they just came a point that night. Maybe this could be different now this. You might hear this and go Well the princess like really. But it wasn't like that to me completely.
G: No. That's it. That's the reality when you.
SP: That was my reality and. It didn't occur to me until that moment I should question myself talk and viewers could be listening asking more crucial questions until it wasn't obvious to me. I didn't know who. But I questioned it and I realised man I'm feeding myself rubbish so surely rubbish is going to be coming out. Maybe my life is a reflection of my inner world and I was the first glimmer I head of. Maybe I can change my inner world. I still don't know how but I thought I can stop and remember this moment distinctly. I can go for hours with negative self-talk hours. Proving it. How I'll keep going positive and I timed it? It was eight seconds. Eight seconds of positive. I don't know what it was but that's all I could put. I think that include a lot of umms and ahhs don't noise I seconds is a long time we've never done it. Okay. What if I go for four hours straight with negative self-taught can I build up to one minute? One minute. We get emotional positive. And. I did. I did one minute. I sure didn't. I did 30 seconds and that was unbelievable 30 seconds and I believe it when I said. I rock. No I don't. I'm timing myself. I didn't mean ever for a moment. I'm telling myself I mean it kind of to me. I could do 30 seconds all right. No I don't. I'm complete garbage. Yeah but you could rock. No I don't. Any universe. But what if you did it but this is lecture I argued with myself in 30 seconds that was the most puzzling thing I've done for myself and as long as I remember decades 30 seconds down one minute to go. So what I started doing was finding books that spoke kindly I'd never done that I'd read them and just like that doesn't work. That doesn't work for me I don't believe that there's going to be me. I don't relate to that. I don't know what they're talking about. You've got to be more advanced than that. That's just somebody who's been a Buddhist although I had so many ways to open up the same books again. Doesn't even matter the book. And I read it. Okay. What kindness can I find in this passage? And Glam. I literally wrote down the kind passage. I'd write it down and I'd get a I had these cards. You know what I mean.
G: Yeah yeah.
SP: The old fashion
G: The post.
SP: This is pre- post it notes. So I had I had these cards and I would try to write. And just because I didn't have anything in me that was positive I would write the kindest things I could find I wouldn't believe a word of them. Not one word but I wrote them down. I didn't use them as affirmations. Because I just don't rate that. What I did? The Negative self-talk would happen Hang on. I catch myself sometimes it was five minutes. My record was another two hours before I caught myself. Didn't matter. You call yourself Brian. Ok. So this is an alternative. Doesn't matter I believe it. Just learn the language.
SP: Catch myself 10 minutes in. Back to my card because back then there was no phones or anything to write this stuff on it was old fashioned Writing. There’s a thing called writing? This is too much fun. So I pulled out the note and I'd read it. Yeah I believe in if it doesn't matter. Just give him the language. I learnt words like compassion and kindness and patience and tolerance and self-acceptance. I don't believe any of them. I was learning the language.
G: That's incredible.
SP: I literally had to teach myself how to be kind.
G: That's amazing. Can I share something super cool. Cause it's cause I literally had a coach tell me the other day that that's what she's doing with Ultimate You Quest that she does because there’s lines in there like, You know you are enough you're worthy and she is she literally said and I would open up the book and I would read that line and I would think. You're enough. No you're not.
G: You're worthy. You're not.
G: But that's what she would do. She would mature her and then little by little she starts to believe in a bit more.
SP: How long did it take her to do you know?
G: I think she's still doing it now.
SP: So she's in it. Wow.
SP: Good on her.
G: It's amazing.
SP: Oh I get that.